2009: A Year of Youth Work In Preview

January: Heavy snow leads to a comeback of sledding, but the snow melts before all the risk assessments can be completed. Teenagers are sad, youth workers determine to really risk assess every possible eventuality next year.

February: You final persuade your young person that’s it’s maybe not such a great idea to enter his explosive diarrhoea impression to Britain’s Got Talent.

March: Due to the current economic downturn youth workers are reduced to playing Chubby Bunnies with crumpled up pages from old copies of Mission Praise. It turns out it’s nigh on impossible to get past Amazing Grace.

April: April fools pranks are delayed for a couple of days due to the hardship of getting parental consent for “pouring cold-water over a young person’s head via a bucket balanced carefully on a door”. However, it’s soon realised that were the Friday April 3rd pranks gone ahead with the fool would technically be on the youth worker, not the young person so pranks are cancelled, instead replaced by cross-stitch lessons. Teenagers are sad, youth workers vow to make sure that all parents are contacted at least two months beforehand regarding every single event from now on in.

May: For the first time, time spent browsing Youtube for relevant clips overtakes all other time spent on sources of research for youth groups.

June: Due to your ineptness, you plan the summer residential for June, when everyone still is either in school or taking exams. Consequentially the week away in Devon is just you and the one child whose school is on bizarre terms time that you’ve never quite been able to work out. It’s a bit awkward.

July: Britain’s Got Talent is won by a young person with an amazing impression of explosive diarrhoea.

August: The economic downturn strikes again! Youth work is rocked by financial insecurity till someone comes up with the bright idea of making youth workers work for Starbucks rather than in Starbucks.

September: Giant space aliens come down to earth and build massive slides that end in huge piles of delicious jelly-beans specifically for teenagers, but they take them away when no-one uses them in the first day, little knowing that everyone wants to use them, but they can’t because they need to have a valid set of learning outcomes worked out first. Teenagers sad, youth workers give up.

October: First youth worker to be sued over Mission Praise Bunnies.

November: It’s the wettest Guy Fawkes night for 80 years, bonfires don’t light, sparklers sizzle out, and fireworks don’t. Indoor football is the order of the evening and things are going so well until someone realises that half the rockets have gone missing. After gathering all the youth group together to be lectured upon the dangers of fireworks, the sin of theft, and the general rudeness of it all, someone asks why the pizza is sitting next to the remaining fireworks and if the pizza is in there, what’s in the oven? One fire brigade later and it turns out that in a hilarious series of mistakes, the fireworks are actually sitting in the youth leaders freezer at home and the oven contained everyone’s gloves and mittens.

December: Christ returns. Wait, sorry, Christmas returns. We really regret the error